Australian Traditions Are Stupid And So Are You

3 Sep

Australian Traditions Are Stupid And So Are You

In Australia, the first Sunday in September is generally recognised as Father’s Day. While some may claim it has religious traditions dating back to the 14th and 15th centuries, deep down, they would know this claim is horseshit, as that particular reference is strictly relegated to the feast of Saint Joseph on March 19.
No, the fact is, it comes from the American tradition that was borne out of a seemingly honest attempt to replicate Mother’s Day for men. Except, within 30 years it had become a wholly corporatist event, aimed at selling ties, pipes, socks, and anything else that might be seen as a ‘gift for men’. The Father’s Day Council was founded by the New York Associated Men’s Wear Retailers, to establish the event as a reason to shop exclusively for fathers.
This week, there have been a number of articles and hot-takes written about attempts to corrupt this day, to turn it into some kind of de-gendered monstrosity, all about celebrating “special persons” so as to be more inclusive. If this is offensive to you, you’re an idiot. If this seems like a good idea, you’re also an idiot.
The whole event exists to perpetuate capitalism in the worst way, by pandering to sentimental jerk-offs who forget that any day or weekend can be used to celebrate one or both of your parents, friends, family, those around you or those far away. All it takes is initiative and a sense of selflessness. Rather than waiting for September to buy a coffee mug or gift card that your dad will never use, call him during the week. And if you don’t have a dad, then call someone who means a lot to you and tell them that they are a special person for you.
If you are relying on a capitalist celebration to push you towards doing something nice for someone who may or may not have raised you, then you’re probably a total wanker. I say this as someone who has a father and is a father, if you want to celebrate it, go ahead, and if you don’t want to, then don’t.
Either way, stop pretending that Father’s Day is carved in stone and must be upheld to protect the fabric of society, without which, everything would collapse, because that’s stupid, and so are you.

Australia Day is another one that can get in the bin. If anything, it should exist as a bogan Thanksgiving, recognising that there were people here before the white criminals showed up, and that the genocide didn’t actually begin on day one.
There should also be a national reminder that the ships sailed into Botany Bay between 18 – 20 January, arriving in Sydney Harbour on 26 January. I have to mention this, because too many Australians are ignorant of the history of the invasion this country, despite wearing white settlement here as a badge of honour.
The national day of celebration for Australia should really be 1 January, the date Australia federated, that is, at least, until we have a referendum to become a Republic, at which point, Australia Day would change to that date.
In the meantime, stop being such precious snowflakes about the fact that 26 January 1788 is seen by many to be the beginning of the end for the oldest continuous culture in the history of this planet.
What’s more, the celebration of Australia Day as a public holiday didn’t really begin until 1994. So you’ve got this allegedly sacred tradition dating back… 23 years. Your tantrums about the history of this date and what it should mean are the definition of stupid. I’m older than the Australia Day public holiday.
Stop pretending that Australia Day is carved in stone and must be upheld to protect the fabric of society, without which, everything would collapse, because that’s stupid, and so are you. Also, the date of the Triple J hottest 100 has changed a number of times since its inception, so fuck right off with that one too.

The Melbourne Cup is a celebration of cruelty to animals, alcoholism and family violence. It is not a sport and it is not worth protecting. The NSW ban on greyhound racing was the first example of brave legislation in this country since John Howard’s gun ban… before the cowards backed down to allow the mass slaughter of dogs to recommence under the false guise of sporting, in the protection of gambling as a national pastime. It could have been a shift toward outlawing animal exploitation for the entertainment of addicts, instead we’re forced to watch as countless animals are slowly tortured to death for our entertainment. How fun.
Four horses have died in as many recent Melbourne Cups. Every year a string of articles pop up decrying the countless problems stemming from this one day, including the fact that there is a significant spike in domestic violence on the first Tuesday in November. When humourless cunts talk about the fun police trying to ruin the Melbourne Cup for them, it would be wise to direct them to speak with the actual police, who are at the coalface on Cup day.
This is an event that enjoys a public holiday in Victoria, a day dedicated to gambling, alcohol and beating horses to make them run until their lungs bleed. If you truly believe that this is a tradition worth protecting, take a long walk off a short pier.
Stop pretending that the Melbourne Cup is carved in stone and must be upheld to protect the fabric of society, without which, everything would collapse, because that’s stupid, and so are you.

In summation, traditions can and should change. New traditions are formed every day. Forming new holidays and events that are inclusive, positive and don’t active encourage damaging behaviour are what we should be working towards in this country. And if you disagree, don’t worry, that’s just because you are really just a spineless, small-minded cockwaffle.
Sit down, shut up, and read something that disagrees with your preconceived notions of how the world should be, you goddamned idiot.


Obscure pop culture references and tepid takes on newsworthy events. It’s what your Nan would write if she was straight, white and male. In simple terms, Dean Cool is what you’d get if Andrew Bolt hate-fucked John Oliver in front of a middle-class millennial audience. So we gave him a weekly column. 
You can find him on Twitter or at shutupandreadthis. He also writes single-tweet film reviews, but they’re not very good.

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